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October 18, 2006 - 10:19 p.m.

I know this is naive, but I have to ask: Why is it so difficult to find trustworthy financial resources? I can't figure out how to evaluate my piggyback loan. I thought the frickin' internet was supposed to be able to help me. Gah. I have rich friends, but I can't get access to their connections, their high net worth financial planners and lawyers.

I never said this diary was going to be exciting...

Meanwhile, back from Vegas. While in Vegas, I read "The Progress Paradox" and "The Tipping Point", both of which got me thinking about what it's all about, the arbitrariness of fashion, why it's so hard to feel satisfied/grateful/you name it. That's what I do in my free time, read books that make my head spin, so no, I am not any fun. It goes without saying that I didn't gamble or drink. I mostly slept, which is downright thrilling for an insomniac like me.

I returned to the real world and clawed through a work day, then took two days off. I really am sick, although not laid out sick as I was in April. I'm not going to be defensive about it. The thought of going back tomorrow is grating, even though nothing significant is required (morale day, all hands meeting). Among other things, I'm truly fed up with this job. I don't care if I make mistakes or not, it doesn't seem to matter in the long run, and that's the death knell.

Also, when I got home, one of the dogs pulled up lame. Her hind legs didn't support her and she trembled constantly. I was so upset, I bargained with Jebus. And now she's fine, so I have to live up to my deal with Jebus and fix my shit, quit procrastinating about my finances, my job, my quality of life and just fucking do it. I've said that often in the past but I've reneged.

Ever feel like you're on the brink of change?

This is hard. I know for some people, changing one's mind is no biggie, but for me, a very big deal. I need a personal cheerleader to keep me going. Why couldn't I be born an optimist?

Okay, Jebus. We're on.

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